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With all my conflicted feelings about running, one thing has been clear and remained unchanged for almost a year now: that I will run The New Mexico Marathon Plus in September.

The one I thought would be my first when I aimed for autumn, before spring urgency took over and I found Shiprock. The one I could not yet do last year, so I signed up for the half only. The one that follows the foothills of the mountains, touches upon the Sandia reservation, and turns south through the valley of the Rio Grande, outlining the city in the thin desert air.

That one is going to be my next.

Even my boyfriend has known this all along. Since I called him from work one afternoon in June, last year, and asked if he will be at the finish line for the half. The full one would be coming one day, he was sure. This spring, while I was still training for Shiprock, already thinking ahead to September, he reminded me that I will need to do some incline work, since the course along the foothills is uphill.

This is strange, I know, coming from someone who would just as well see me quit all this running and go back to who I was before. Not exactly lazy, but more carefree. Not at leisure, but less exhausted.

He knows me. He is complicated too.